Tag Archives: british weather

Set’s Guide to the British Seasons

Winter: Winter is for masochists. The snow looks nice, assuming you ever get any, but it lasts for 2 days before it’s cold muddy slush, which doesn’t stop people from putting it down your neck. Everything is grim, the trees are all skeletons, and it goes dark about a minute after you get up. Most of the time it’s just rain, wind and freezing cold. Unless you want extortionate heating bills your home may as well be an igloo.

Spring: Spring is an awkward middle child, it doesn’t know if it wants to be winter or summer, so it tries to be both, which of course fails. Generally expect lots of clouds, rain, cold and wind, together with the kind of weather I call ‘nothing’. Once every few weeks you might think you see a flash of what might be the sun, but don’t be fooled – it’s just a trick.

Summer: The favourite among most, especially the young, active and annoying. Summer might be alright (assuming you don’t have to work, and you have a group of friends you want to go outside and do things with every single day, and they with you), if it wasn’t for the inexcusable fact that it continues to be present at nighttime when you’re trying to sleep. The nights are actually hotter than the days, what’s all that about?

Summer is like that friend who you only meet on nights out, and is “fun”, but at a certain point enough is enough, you’re tired and you certainly don’t want them to come home with you and keep you up all night.

Summer never knows when to arrive or when to leave. If you’re lucky you’ll get up to two weeks of dry, baking heat and sleepless nights before summer sacks the whole thing off early and delivers you into –

Autumn: Autumn desperately wants to be winter so much it’s embarassing. It’s always trying to impress winter, but it just doesn’t quite have the sociopathic chops to pull it off. Expect lots of try-hard attempts, chiefly lots of rain and cold, and omnipresent wind that will blow you into the road to be hit by a bus given half the chance.

Essentially, there is no such thing as a good season, at least not in Britain. The worst thing about them is that each of them is supposed to last for 3 months. The best thing about each of them is looking forward to the next one. If it was up to me each one would be a week long, so they didn’t outstay their welcome.

Actually, I don’t think I could handle a week of sleepless summer nights, so let’s put the four seasons over a week. Winter gets Monday and Tuesday, giving just enough time for the snow to melt before spring, which has Wednesday and Thursday. Summer gets Friday and Saturday, of course. Autumn only gets Sunday because it doesn’t deserve any more. It’s needed simply so you can have a decent night’s sleep before the awfulness of Monday.